Being a single mother in China often means being shunned by traditionalists. Even today it is a difficult role in a society where marriage is considered the ultimate role for a woman. But some in Shanghai are now turning this vision and blinkered view around and creating a new image for single mothers. These women are socially active, independent, warm and caring.

And they are excellent mothers. Mothers like 55-year-old Yao Yinmei who spends a good deal of time these days teaching would-be models how to grace catwalks. An enthusiastic amateur singer and model, Yao is heading for possible stardom this month when she appears in the Shanghai television talent show Mama Mia for talented mothers.

Yao attributes her confidence and positive attitude to the people she calls her "sisters," the members of a single mothers' club in the Pingliang community in Yangpu district. The club was created by single mothers as a self-help organization in 2001.

Last year there were 38,000 divorces in Shanghai, a year-on-year increase of 4 percent. The city's divorce rate is the second highest in the country. Although there are no official figures on the number of single mothers in the city, the All-China Women's Federation said that in five out of six divorces, children ended up living with their mothers. With the rising divorce rate there will be more and more single mothers and while traditionalists might frown, it seems that many of these women are helping each other achieve happy and fulfilling lives - even if there is no major government support at present and many are also called on to cope with aging parents and parents-in-law.

Sad stories

After a series of requests for assistance, staff with the women's federation authorities in Pingliang community established Danqing, a single mothers' club, 11 years ago. The authorities provide a place and fund the regular activities of this club. But it has not been easy to attract and keep members because of traditional attitudes and because many of the women who find themselves in this situation are reluctant to share their sad and sometimes embarrassing stories.

Hu Peizhen, 59, lost her husband more than 10 years ago and is now the president of the club. Her husband died when her son was in the 11th grade. In those bleak days she fell seriously ill. "It was a time of darkness," Hu told the Global Times. She didn't leave her home after her husband's funeral and didn't dare to think about her future.

Officials from the community women's federation group visited her and gave her a cash gift of 50 yuan ($7.85) to help her out. Hu felt a bit uncomfortable. "I am an independent person. I always help others normally, but then I became the one that needed help and sympathy. It was a little confronting."

Yang Beilei is the secretary-general of Tongji University's Research Center for Women, which conducted research into single mothers last year. "Some single mothers are in urgent need of medical care and psychological counseling after this change in their lives. Many of them are in poor health, physically and mentally, after divorce or after they lose their husbands. But few seek help," she said.

The research showed that 43.5 percent of respondents said that they felt there was definitely a stigma in being a single mother. "The single mothers believed that being a single parent was a personal matter and they were worried about others discriminating against them," Yang told the Global Times. As a result, most of them, when they encountered problems, would either turn to their relatives or struggle to solve the problems on their own.

At her first appearance at the single mothers' club, Hu said she didn't know what she was there for. She came because she had been invited in a warm and welcoming manner and she played a blindfold game with another single mother. "In playing that game I realized that there were difficulties that I couldn't overcome by myself. I needed the help of others. There was no shame involved," Hu said.

Another single mother at the club, Yao Yinmei, said that at the beginning she didn't like to talk about her single status with her new neighbors. "Even when people asked, I told them my husband had died instead of telling them that we had divorced a long time ago."

Yao said that people were still prejudiced and deep down felt that divorced women did not deserve the same sympathy as wives whose husbands had died. In Yangpu district, 59.7 percent of the single mothers were divorced and 36 percent had lost their husbands, according to Yang Beilei's research.

The club members help each other and meet frequently. At the start, they joined the club because they shared the same problems and situations. Now they have grown closer and constantly exchange experiences and feelings with each other.

Hard times

Soon after Hu became a single mother, she was laid off from work. A 2005 survey of 367 single mothers in Huangpu district showed that just 16.7 percent of them were employed and the average monthly income was less than 450 yuan. The average age of these single mothers was 46.

To support her family, for a long time Hu had two jobs - working in a factory during the day and in a bakery at night. The treatment for her husband's illness had taken most of the family's savings and she had to raise a high school student.

The latest survey reveals that most single mothers still earn very little. Thirty-one percent of the single mothers had a monthly income below 1,280 yuan, which was Shanghai's official minimum wage last year. For another 51 percent, monthly salaries ranged from the city's minimum rate to 3,000 yuan.

Yao Yinmei became a single mother 14 years ago. She is always smiling and confident, which belies the fact that she has supported and raised a son and survived breast cancer.

In 1998, Yao divorced her husband when their son was just 13. Yao looked after her son and stayed in the family apartment, but her ex-husband, who quickly remarried, has not given her any money since the divorce. To support her life with the son, Yao had to sell the apartment for just 25,000 yuan and has worked at part-time jobs trying to make ends meet. She is now renting her home in Yangpu.

Washing a wedding dress for a photographic studio can earn her 2 yuan. She worked as an elevator operator in two of the city's hospitals for years but had to leave when she suffered a slipped disc. Then in 2005 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and was operated on. Throughout the toughest days of this grim period, Yao has support and constant backing from her sisters - other single mothers.

In the survey, 40 percent of the single mothers in Yangpu reported health problems, including back pain and cardiovascular conditions. The single mothers' club might not ease the health issues, but it helps as it organizes frequent lectures on health, emotional management and preventative disease management.

Clubs of this kind can't solve economic problems for its members either. "But we provide them with employment information and pass on some work skills," said Qin Li, a social worker who used to supervise the single mothers' program at the Weifang community in Pudong New Area.

Double roles

After financial problems, educating children ranks the second of the difficulties facing single mothers, according to the survey. "Single mothers need to play a double role as mother and father," Qin Li told the Global Times. "But many don't know how to do this."

These sudden changes in family life deeply affects the children. One 5-year-old girl in the Weifang community cried constantly unless her mother was with her. She refused to leave home after her father died. The single mother was still grieving her husband herself and didn't know how to cope with her child.

Social workers from the local single mothers' club began to chat with the little girl and take her out. They gave the mother advice on handling the crisis and gradually the child blossomed again and began to play with other children.

"Single mothers tend to have more expectations for their children than the mothers in a normal family," Qin said. Hu agreed. After her husband passed away, she demanded a lot more of her son. Once to spur him to try his best in an exam, she told the boy that if he didn't score 100 percent, he need not bother returning home.

But Hu's aggressive child-raising changed after she joined the single mothers' club. After discussing with other mothers who had faced a similar situation she realized that her misfortune was not exclusive, extreme or unsolvable.

A positive attitude

Social workers, Qin Li and Shu Qiyan have helped set up a single mothers' club "Hui Lan Xin" in the Weifang community. They help single mothers solve problems, come to terms with themselves and develop a positive attitude towards life.

"What we do most is psychological counseling, helping them to build up emotional stability by providing practical support tips and organizing activities for single mothers and their children," Qin said. "We want to help them establish a positive attitude towards life with understanding and support."

Hu still works for a towel factory. She wants to keep working. She goes to a nursing home to take care of her mother every day after work and every weekend she spends half a day doing volunteer work in children's healthcare centers.

When Yang Beilei visited the Danqing Single Mothers' Club, she was impressed and moved. "They used to be the people that needed help from the community and society. Now they are trying to help others, not only in the neighborhood, but also thousands of miles away. The club donated 1,000 yuan to the 2008 Sichuan earthquake appeal."

Hu Peizhen said now most of the existing members had gone through the hardest parts of their lives. Their children have grown up - some are married and have their own families. "What I worry about still are the young single mothers in their 30s or 20s," Hu said, adding that younger single mothers faced different problems as they fought to continue working as well as finding a suitable partner for another marriage.

Hu and the members in these clubs are, to a certain extent, lucky. They are single mothers but they are not alone. Most single mothers are still fighting alone and although some districts like Changning and Jing'an have women's federation authorities setting up programs to help, these are too few and too isolated. Yang Beilei said that she would like to see a coordinated response to help single mothers from the government, communities and social welfare agencies.

Outsiders that find a new home

Government help is an option for single mothers in the US. Many single moms can get government help with food, childcare, and healthcare services.

The programs help to enforce court orders for child support. They will help divorced single mothers track down ex-husbands and garnish their wages.

In many states, programs provide food, medical care and a weekly or monthly allowance to help single mothers. Financed by the US Department of Health and Human Services, single mothers can get housing assistance depending on their financial situation.

In the US there's also a fund that helps out with utility bills for single mothers, especially during winter. If single mothers are having trouble paying their electricity or gas bills, they can contact the Energy Assistance Program in their area.

In the UK there is a wide range of financial help available to sole parents bringing up a child. It applies whether the sole parent is working, looking for a job or unable to work. The British program covers all sole parents, not just mothers.

The program also helps sole parents track and collect child support from non-custodial parents.

The British government also covers part of childcare costs for single parents as long as they send their children to government-designated facilities.