Experts advise mothers to give their husbands the opportunity to help out with the household and childcare. Photo: IC

When 41-year-old An Na first read the article "Pseudo Single Mother," shared by many mothers in her WeChat Friend Circle, she experienced a shock of recognition.

"Every day of my life is occupied by my husband, mother-in-law, children and the household chores - and it's suffocating me," said the article, written by a full-time mother in Taiwan, who defines a pseudo-single-mother family as one where the husband and father is too busy to spend time with his family.

"Since my first daughter was born, my situation has been very similar to the author's," said An. Because her engineer husband is away on business three weeks out of every month, she manages all the household affairs and takes care of their 7-year-old and a 10-month-old daughters on her own.

"He is the breadwinner, but I have to work as well. He gives so little time and emotional energy to the family that he's not really present anymore, which could have serious ramifications," she said. 

According to An, every time she complained about the situation and asked her husband to take their baby daughter out to play, he lay on the sofa watching TV, and responded, "I don't want to. I've had a busy day and I want to rest."

"This is what we call an 'invisible father,'" said Hai Wenying, the founder of Howto Family Club, a Beijing-based parental support organization. "Most do not realize that they are neglecting the family. Instead, they believe that they are fulfilling their role by earning a salary to support their wives and children," said Hai. "They also tend to relinquish responsibility by saying things like, 'Wives are responsible for educating, feeding and taking care of children.'"

Moreover, because of the preponderance of single-child families, the childcare role played by Chinese grandparents helps hide the gap left by an "invisible father."

"If our parents help us do what a father should do for the family, he will never grow up and realize his responsibility," said An.

Experts advise beleaguered mothers to encourage their husbands to take a more active role in the household and childcare; when fathers believe they have little to contribute in these areas, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy - with his neglected responsibilities usually taken over by his wife or the grandparents.

"Being busy is the excuse that some fathers give. The point is whether you are willing and courageous to be an active father," said Chang Shitao, 49, whose daughter graduates from Harvard University this year. As the vice president of hujiang.com, an English-learning website, Chang said that he is very busy but spends as much time and energy with his daughter as he can. He takes her to a dance class every weekend, plays badminton with her in his spare time and takes her traveling during holidays.    

"Mothers should give fathers more space and opportunity to get involved," he said.

After An and her husband attended a class on the roles of mother and father in a family, he became more loving towards their children and gradually assumed a larger role in their daily lives, playing with them more often - and even reading books on education.

"At the very beginning, when he took our older daughter out, I worried that she would be thirsty and get cold, but after a few times, I only felt relief," said An. Her husband even decided to send his parents back to their hometown this autumn to "wean" himself from their help.

According to xinhuanet.com, on May 11, Mother's Day, 28 mothers in China launched a one-day strike on housework. By publicizing a manifesto, they hope that fathers and other family members will shoulder more responsibility for household chores.