The World Cup has forced me to watch an inordinate amount of soccer on television. It's been quite the experience.
The number of channels in Brazil that are showing the games is huge. Local TV stations, national TV and a multitude of cable channels are all broadcasting the same games from the same official FIFA feed. The good news is you will never miss the players-staring-down-the-camera-before-folding-their-arms introductions that have become the Internet's favorite part of this World Cup.
Having asked some Brazilians and Portuguese-speaking soccer fans that I have watched the games with, I have been assured that the commentary is pretty much the same regardless of which channel you choose. To the nonnative that means you hear a lot of those never-ending screams of "gol" whenever someone sneaks one past FIFA's eagle-eyed goal-line technology system.
In the right company you also learn that all the commentators speak in terms of an attacker sending a defender "out to buy bread" before launching "a pigeon without wings" straight into "where the owl sleeps." Needless to say that this also ends in another refrain of "gol" with more Os than that time Harry met Sally but that's enough colorful phrasing to make me want to speak Portuguese.
There are some slight differences between the broadcasters, for instance you might be treated to Roberto Carlos as a halftime pundit on one, but even with five World Cups in their locker, there are only so many Brazilian champions to go around.
This might be why Brazil's pre-game buildup is the area of most diversity between the stations, or at least the area where it most differs from World Cup broadcasts elsewhere. This is definitely the first where I have seen a comedian invited onto the pre-match punditry panel. I knew it was a comedian because it said so under his name. Also, he was wearing a rather rudimentary "How to disguise yourself as an OAP in three easy steps" costume in an attempt to look like former Brazil coach Mario Zagallo.
It was easy to tell he was hilarious even with the sound off as the perma-tanned permanent presenters team kept flashing their perfect teeth. This was clearly the pre-game to watch or that's what I thought until I saw a vuvuzela in the shape of an oversized phallus that was painted to appear more lifelike. Not what you expect when you're waiting for France to play Honduras in a 1 pm kickoff, certainly not what you expect from a daytime sports show on Brazil's Fox Sports Network. I guess they're going more for the vibe of Os Simpsons than they are for Glen Beck and his ilk over on Fox News.
So there are some differences but when you're not watching someone wave a porcelain phallus around you're all looking at footballers trying to fold their arms around and looking much the same. In between that, on every channel, it's the same adverts again. And again. And again.
The worst is American beer brand and legal precedent setting FIFA partners Budweiser, who roped in Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas to butcher "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses in front of the original's singer Axl Rose. Will.I.Am was inexplicably joined by England defender Gary Cahill on guitar. This has been on at least three times a game for the last 58 games.
Meanwhile, "We're glad you came" is the message that benevolent fast food merchants and FIFA World Cup partners McDonald's tell me twice during every advert break. Bizarre though the experience is, I'm glad too.