A National Health and Family Planning Commission report shows there are 249 million singles in China. Photo: Li Hao/GT

 

Until two months ago, Shen Yuming, 28, slim, well-educated, with a steady job at a State-owned company, had been single for more than three years.

"I've never been short of interested suitors, but I have trouble knowing which one is trustworthy or right for me," said Shen.

"My parents told me not to think about their material qualifications and to just choose the one I liked," she said.

Shen tried to follow her parents' advice, but found herself unimpressed with the men who were courting her.

She said that it was more difficult for young people these days to find the right match compared to in her parents' time, precisely because there were more choices these days on account of dating websites, social media, and other ways that made it easier for people to meet one another.

Shen's sentiments about the difficulty of modern courtship are born out by a survey last month by baihe.com, a popular matchmaking website in China.

In a poll of more than 70,000 singles across the country, 35.5 percent said that they did not meet a single person they were interested in over the past year, while a further 27.3 percent said that they only met one.

First impressions

David Xiao, a 26-year-old civil servant in Beijing, is one of 249 million singles in the country based on figures published in a 2013 National Health and Family Planning Commission report.

He said that he had been on dates with three different girls this winter, but none of them led to anything further.

Xiao added that he had never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship.

"I don't know why I fail to attract girls," said Xiao.

"I bought a suit, a tie and expensive leather shoes. I treated each date as seriously as an important job interview."

Li Yang, a relationship advisor for matchmaking, said that it might have been the fact that Xiao approached the dates with such a formal, business-like attitude that the girls he dated were put off.

Li said that wearing a suit and tie to a date was "bad taste" and sent the message that the person "did not understand how to enjoy life."

Li said that first impressions - like a date's choice of attire - were a quick and effective way of judging whether someone was a suitable match or not.

He advised women who were looking for marriage to pay attention to a date's choice of dress for what it could reveal about a date's values and personality.

"Women should steer clear of men who wear belts with large luxury brand logos," said Li.

"And men should stay away from women who wear fur, too much jewelry, or obviously luxury-branded clothes."

The reason, said Li, was because such lavish displays of social status on a date revealed that the person had questionable values.

"Of course, one shouldn't judge someone only by their appearance when it comes to looking for a romantic partner," said Li.

"In the end, people should follow their heart. But appearance is an important factor, because it can help you form a quick opinion of someone and to save time."

Among the strategies advised by psychologists for determining whether someone is a good match are questionnaires and first impressions. Photo: Li Hao/GT

 

Revealing questions

To really get to know a person however, Li said it was important to spend as much time as possible with someone.

Li recommended that if one were interested in someone after the first date, he or she should see that person another three or four times within the first week of meeting.

For the past two months, Shen has been dating a man who was introduced to her by her relatives.

She said that in order to get to know him in the shortest period of time, she asked him a prescribed list of 36 questions, based on a study by US psychologist Arthur Aron.

The idea behind Aron's study was that the forging of intimacy could be accelerated if both parties in a relationship (whether romantic or not) were willing to be vulnerable with each other. The 36 questions were designed by Aron to put two people in just such a position.

Shen said she spent an entire day in a cafe discussing the questions with her date.

Some of the questions are quite simple, like describing what a "perfect day" would be, or when the last time was that you sung to yourself, said Shen. Other questions however, were more penetrating, involving childhood memories and moments of regret.

"[When I asked him about the last time he cried], his eyes started to moisten, and then he showed me a picture of his grandmother from his wallet, and suddenly my eyes started to moisten, too," said Shen.

"His grandmother died three years ago. The old photograph of he and his grandmother from when he was a child has been in his wallet ever since."

Shen said that she decided that she was serious about giving the relationship a chance after a question in which they had to tell each other, in detail, three things they liked about the other person.

They had to be things that one would not usually say to someone they had just met.

"He told me that I had awakened in him the desire to fall in love again, which he thought he had lost," said Shen.

"I never thought I would be moved by something so cheesy, but in that moment, it just felt right, and I decided to trust it."

What to pay attention to

Chen Chao, a relationship advisor and psychologist at paoxue.com, said that there were several general areas to pay attention to when trying to assess whether someone was a match or not.

Among them were a person's leisure activities, which could reveal what was important to them in their lives, their attitude toward money, and how they treated their friends and family members.

One should also make note of whether they are sexually attracted to the other person, said Chen.

"It's the most primitive form of attraction," said Chen.

Jia Jia, a psychologist and relationship advisor for jiayuan.com, another popular dating website in China, said that the most crucial factor determining whether two people were compatible or not in today's society was their attitude towards money and spending. 

"The most common reason for new couples to break up is having different views about spending. A person's spending and consumer habits are a fundamental and practical issue when sharing a life with someone," said Jia.

Jia said that a person's dress and appearance could give some indications of their spending habits.

 She added that while it was still conventional in China for the man to pay on the first date, and to take his date somewhere fancy, things were beginning to change.

This indicated an acknowledgment of the importance of understanding the other's attitudes to money when it came to choosing a romantic partner.

"Sharing the cost of a date, and not going to a luxury restaurants is becoming more and more socially acceptable for first dates," said Jia.