Giving up using social media may help improve a romantic relationship, but experts also say it rarely is a direct cause of a breakup. Photo: IC

For modern young people living in Beijing, not using social media platforms like WeChat and Sina Weibo is really rare. But Song Feng, a 29-year-old IT worker, is one of them. He deleted every social media app from his phone about six months ago because he said they were making him "going crazy." His ex's actions weren't helping either, he said.

His ex-girlfriend, surnamed Wang, is a social media maniac and liked to broadcast her everyday life to both friends and strangers on the Internet. Song said Wang always spied on him and overanalyzed every single message he published on social media.

"I almost dared not share anything on WeChat Moments because she would read too much into my posts and doubt our relationship," Song said.

"For example, once I shared a link about what a successful and stable relationship is, and she called me and questioned me as to whether I thought our relationship was unsuccessful and whether she was acting badly."

What's more, Song said his ex also forced him to share certain things on social media. Song normally did not like to show off his private life, but Wang always posted private details on social media.

"She said if I did not post our photos on WeChat, she could tell that I did not want my friends and family to know about her," Song said.

 Song said what finally led to the breakup was when Wang found Song's Facebook page and discovered he and his ex-girlfriend followed and interacted with each other. Song could not bear her insecurities and suggested they cut it off.

"She became really angry, and we had a fight," Song said. "I thought it was absurd because I had not logged on to Facebook for years, and I had already forgotten that I followed my ex-girlfriend."

Compared with the mess in his previous relationship, his new relationship that started in May has been going smoothly, and Song said it is because he finally is able to save the trouble of dealing with social media and focus more on his partner and real life.

Social media may make networking more convenient and shorten the distance between people living far away, but for some couples, it can have negative effects in a relationship and marriage. As a result, many people are beginning to reduce their use of social media and even abandon it altogether.

Overusing social media and overanalyzing a partner's posts on social media can take away from what is more important: real life. Photo: IC

Root or catalyst?

Shirley Yang, a 27-year-old living in Shanghai, has not logged in to her douban.com social media account for about one year. About two years ago, she met her ex-husband on douban.com and they were married in three months, but the marriage only lasted for about six months.

"I learned two things from the short marriage," Yang said. "One is that finding a partner online is highly risky, and the other is that some people, especially those crazy about social media, are usually different online from what they really are like in daily life."

A survey of 1,953 adults who broke up with their partner in the past two years conducted by UK money saving website VoucherCodesPro in January 2015, found that more than 40 percent of them met their partner through social media websites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and one-fifth of them started the relationship after not really knowing each other.

"So I think we must abandon social media to protect relationships and marriage, not only during the relationship or marriage, but also at the very beginning when you are choosing a partner," Yang said. "My failed marriage told me that."

However, social media supporters as well as some marriage experts think that the disputes and fights, and even breakups supposedly caused by social media actually indicate a pre-existing problem and that social media only acts as scapegoat or, at most, a catalyst.

Meng Lu, a registered psychological counselor who is based in Beijing, told Metropolitan that some relationships and marriages have problems and social media just helps expose them more quickly.

According to Meng, the key to a successful relationship is effective communication and mutual understanding, and the reason behind a failed relationship may be complicated and social media is only a secondary cause.

"Abandoning social media for those people who failed in a relationship may be a behavior of directing their anger and depression to a third party, and I see little use for people to totally stop using social media in this modern world," said Meng.

Meng said some people delete what they have posted or log out of their social media accounts to deal with anger and anxiety when facing difficult problems in a relationship, much like people who burned love letters from their partner prior to the Internet age.

Relationships turn old-school

Song met his new girlfriend surnamed Zhang in April at an outdoor book fair. They had both wanted to buy the same book, but there was only one copy left. 

"I gave up the book and asked for her number instead," said Song, who then asked the girl out the following week on a date to the National Library to borrow the book from her and read together.

Song said that although it might have happened out of the anger in the moment, abandoning social media has unexpectedly changed something in his current relationship.

"To my amusement, my new girlfriend thinks I am very honest, loyal and unique, and my abandoning social media has increased our trust," Song said.

"I told her that since I do not use any social media, she does not need to spy on me, and she also has the freedom to use any social media platforms she wants, but I will not spy on her either."

Meng said people like Song who eliminate social media from their lives are actually making it more difficult for themselves in a modern, technological world, but if maintained, it can work out well. Its success is not dependent on how much spying is taking place, however. The lack of social media in a relationship opens up the opportunity for more face-to-face communication, she said. 

Keeping social media in the picture

There is no need to completely give up using social media after one falls in love, Meng said. If correctly used, social media can work actively in a healthy relationship and help a lot.

According to Meng, checking on one's partner's actions through social media is normal in the modern world, but couples should never overuse the right or view it as an incident as serious as a human rights violation.

Couples also should never indiscreetly judge their partner's integrity, characteristics and their relationship over one single post.

Additionally, Meng said being honest and open with their partner about what social media accounts they are each using is important.

Learning how to get to know what a person is really like offline is also crucial because sometimes what people present on social media is completely different, Meng said.

Meng gave an example of one of her clients, a young woman who worked as a freelance actress. To find jobs, she had to post pictures on WeChat and Sina Weibo, and some of them were artsy photos where she was scantily dressed. In real life, she was a bit shy and had a boyfriend whom she loved.

"However, they often got into fights because her boyfriend at the time accused her of posting 'nude' photos and it humiliated her. She loved him, but still chose to break up with him," Meng said.

"The most important thing in a relationship is always mutual understanding. The golden rule always works no matter what social media one uses."