Xiaoli teaches her "friends" Chinese. Photo: Courtesy of Xiaoli

Previously proven by 30-year-old Chinese teacher Zhu Songhua, who last year was dubbed "China's Sexiest Teacher", sexy teachers (or TILFs) create an educational paradox: They inspire students, just not necessarily their minds.

But when tackling a tough language like Chinese, sometimes a TILF with tight grammar is what one needs to help hit those tones. Over the next few weeks, we'll profile some of the Web's hottest Chinese teachers you'd jump any firewall for, in the name of education, of course. 

Iamxiaoli.com (YouTube, Youku)

You've all heard of Crazy English? Welcome to Creepy Chinese. Meet Xiaoli, probably the only teacher who will explain the word for "knife" and then stab you afterwards to help it stick.

And we're not kidding. She often wields a knife dressed in doll-like negligee at the end of every YouTube lesson, threatening, "Subscribe! You like it!" which is immediately followed by a childlike smile cued by twinkly bells that would leave any card-carrying schizophrenic impressed. 

But Xiaoli says her lessons are not only for your benefit, but the safety of everyone.

"Mostly I hand people medication. It's an odd job, you have to know a lot of Latin words to do it," explained Xiaoli about her day job. "I am hoping to teach Chinese full time soon though, because I have been having nightmares that I give people the wrong medication and they explode. Teaching Chinese will be much safer."

Learn from the best

Xiaoli's videos surfaced on YouTube earlier this year (to be available on Youku this week under username Xiaoli), spotlighting the disturbingly entertaining alter ego of Crystal Yan, who may not have any teaching experience or qualifications, but whose Gothic Lolita language course is probably the weirdest online lesson you'll ever sit through.

Her current collection of 25 short videos often feature Xiaoli along with her hand puppet panda co-star (creatively named "Panda," for which Yan also provides the voice) having pre-school level conversation about the Chinese equivalents for single nouns such as "juice," "dress" and "knife" in high-pitched, Teletubby-like repetition. 

"When I first started making my Chinese lessons, we weren't actually recording them. We were performing them as plays. Sometimes they were quite long, like a Wagner opera," explained Yan, a Beijing native now working as a model in Los Angeles.

What doesn't kill you

The scariest part is no matter how idiotically mind-numbing you think these lessons are, you'll probably end up learning something. Her compact storylines manage to squeeze in scary, sweet, sexy in around two minutes, all along driving home a vocabulary point with some disturbing scenario that you won't easily forget.

Lessons range from learning how to say "scared" while Xiaoli cowers on a basement floor as an unseen man bangs on a door screaming her name, to learning how to say, "I'm hungry" while playfully taunting her star student, a terrified man restrained with duct tape, with a slice of cake. 

"The idea is to make it fun and emotionally engaging, like if you were watching a movie or playing a video game. We want to activate people's creative minds in their learning," she explained.

Team Xiaoli

The above-average production value of her videos is a tip Xiaoli is not working alone. Yan eventually teamed up with LA-based media production firm Allucinari and director Mark Allen, whose portfolio includes special effects, music videos and "The Least Likely" for MTV's Choose or Lose campaign calling Asian-Americans to vote.

According to Yan, it was Allen who suggested to modifying Xiaoli's lessons into short YouTube vids, and her channel has garnered over 800 followers. "Xiaoli's future will include the online component, but the primary focus would be a longer form program based on what we've learned from the YouTube exposure," he explained.

Thus far, Yan has been basing her content on user suggestions. "It's a fun experiment. We've learned a lot trying different ideas. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't and people are not afraid to let you know what they think!"

And sometimes her admirers' suggestions can be ... suggestive.

"I have had viewers ask if they can lick ice cream off my body among other creative things," explained Yan, "but no one actually ever asked me out."

Making Chinese go ka-ching online

So the question remains, how would anyone make any money as Chinese teacher who posts their content for free? According to Xiaoli, the videos were a stab at becoming YouTube partner, where they would be entitled to a percentage of ad revenue based on subscribers and click traffic. However they were initially turned down due to low membership.

But how would that go down in China? The Global Times consulted Jean Shao, Director of International PR, and Brendan O'Kane at Youku.com to find out.

Though partner deals are not as structured as they are at YouTube, there are three likely outcomes to generating income on Youku.

Content that generates heavy traffic could in some cases be awarded a one-time sum by Youku as an incentive for producing popular content. If a series shows potential for subscribers, such as a viral language course, it could be offered as paid content through its Youku Premium platform, in which case the series creator would receive a share of viewership fees.

The third option would be to work through Youku Originals, the company's program for producing original content and viral advertising in partnership with young directors, which has produced mainly entertainment content to date, including "Old Boys" and "The Ultimate Winner," but is looking to expand its offerings.

Although Xiaoli wishes for investors, she understands you don't need big budgets to go viral. "All the cardboard and bubble wrap you see (in my video) comes free with every online purchase I make. Duct tape, though, no one sends to me and I have to buy and that is very expensive," explained Xiaoli.

"I wonder if they have any investors who will help buy duct tape."

Xiaoli's cast of characters

Xiaoli took time out of her busy schedule of tormenting her cast of characters to introduce them briefly to Beijing.

My Doll - My best friend. She is so pretty and is willing to play whatever games I want to play whenever I want to. Such a good friend. She's very thoughtful. She's very pensive too.

When I was a child I used to act out long stories with my dolls. But they were not nearly as pretty as the dolls I have now because they were made out of plastic. Plastic is very cold and hard. Flesh is very warm and soft. And my new dolls can dress up in my clothes, so I don't have to sew little outfits for them. Saves a lot of time and it's much more fun to play dress-up. 

My Star Student - He helps me with the YouTube stuff a lot. Super smart, that's why he gets to wear the crown. He's very important to keep around.

I hope we can start uploading to Youku next week. I tried to do it myself, but it didn't work, so my star student is going to do it. But I need to get more duct tape first because once I unstrap him, I can't use the same tape to strap him back down - it is too crinkled up. Hard to reuse. Not environmentally friendly.

Panda - He can be trouble, but he's too cute to punish and too helpful to eat.

JoJo Bear had a tough childhood, but he's learning to be less shy now.

And the Man Behind the Door? He's a man who likes to tell people what to do and is always very angry. I think many people have a man behind the door in their lives, and he is mine.