In China, many people believe that Westerners are more romantic than Chinese because they're more likely to make grand gestures like roses and candlelight dinners. Photo: IC
Today is White Day, a companion holiday to Valentine's Day that is celebrated in Japan, South Korea and China. China may have the West beat in terms of holidays devoted to love, but it's widely believed in the Middle Kingdom that Chinese people are less skilled than their Western counterparts in the ways of romance. But is that true? And if so, why? Metropolitan has invited six people, both Chinese and Western, to weigh in on the subject.
Meet the panel:
Su Juan: the founder of Herstyle, an online women's magazine in China.
Wang Yanlin: former deputy editor-in-chief of China's version of For Him Magazine; now works at Yidianzixun.com.
Yang Bingyang: a famous relationship blogger.
Alex Edmunds: an American expat who previously ran his own Beijing dating agency.
Victoria Kurzova : a Russian woman who works as a host for Beijing and Tianjin television shows, and has dated Chinese men.
Xing Yashu: a young woman from Beijing who is part of the post-90s generation, and has dated a Western man.
The Chinese sense of romance is more pragmatic and focused on daily life. Photo: IC
What is your understanding of romance?
Su Juan: Romance can take any form; it can be a supportive hug or a talk when you need it. Romance is all about surprise. It can be big or small.
Wang Yanlin: I think romance is about finding creative ways to express your love. It has to be rare like a luxury, but as a Chinese man, I personally think that being romantic is about spending your life together and growing old together, and helping one another.
Xing Yashu: People's understanding of romance changes as they age. When I was a teenager, I thought it was really romantic if my boyfriend and I were placed together in the same work group, or our names were together in the teacher's roll call, or if when I looked at the back at the classroom, he happened to be looking at me as well. For adults, romance is more about doing things together. Like when I am cooking, he'll come stand behind me and give me a hug.
These days, I think romance is about making really bold gestures for the one you love, and just focusing on that love and forgetting everything else.
Victoria Kurzova : I think romance is when you know that he can't live without you and you can't live without him, and you will never leave each other.
Alex Edmunds: Being romantic is about connecting with your partner on a deep level and making them feel special. Roses, nice dinners and vacations are great, but romance is about a connection rather than a specific action.
More than anything, put yourself in your partner's shoes and think, How are they feeling right now? Have they had a long day and need a massage? Or, are they under a lot of pressure at work, and need a getaway? Bringing home flowers as a surprise or taking your partner to a nice dinner are nice gestures that can make them feel cherished. But romance is not defined by those actions, it is about connecting with your partner.
Why aren't Chinese people more romantic?
A lack of education on love and romance.
Wang Yanlin: I think that Chinese people are not romantic because China's education is lacking in two areas - teaching people what love is and teaching people what beauty is. From the time we're young, our teachers and parents rarely talk about either one; they are afraid that if children spend too much time focusing on these things, it will affect their studies.
After you grow up, love becomes about getting married, having kids and continuing the family tree. It's very utilitarian, and love and sex become a tool and a task for people to fulfill. Romance is supposed to be a pleasant and creative way of expressing love. If people see love only as a tool, how can they be romantic?
Su Juan: Chinese men don't know how to be romantic. From childhood, their parents tell them that to become a good man, they need to study hard and work hard. Men are supposed to be serious and dignified. They never get a chance to learn how to date and how to communicate with the other sex.
Once they grow up, some men figure out how to attract girls, and some even become "bad boys," and girls can't help but fall in love with them.
Life's pressures overwhelm the romantic instinct.
Alex Edmunds: Generally I would say that Western men are a bit more romantic, and the primary reason is that Chinese men face more pressure in life to be successful in a highly competitive society and to buy a home. It is hard to be romantic when you are so focused on the pressures of society.
Take myself for example, I do my best to find time to be romantic, but I appreciate that it's more difficult to find time and energy for romance when the pressure in life to be successful is greater. I find it more so in Beijing than I did back at home in Los Angeles.
Wang Yanlin: Chinese people are under more pressure, worrying about their jobs and buying an apartment, so they have less time and resources to be romantic. I am not saying that money equals romance, but money can definitely help you arrange romantic outings.
China's sense of romance is more reserved.
Yang Bingyang: It's true that Chinese people are not as romantic as Western people, and some countries are even less romantic than China, like Japan. That's because those countries have a more reserved culture when it comes to relationships.
Su Juan: I remember I saw a survey once which said that of all the countries in the world, China eats the fewest sweets. I think eating sweets is an expression of happiness, so the fact that we eat the least amount means that we don't feel that much happiness in our lives and in turn, don't show those feelings to each other.
Should romance be regarded as a luxury or a necessity in life?
Wang Yanlin: Chinese people's understanding of love is different from that of Westerners. Chinese people are pragmatic, so their way of showing love is taking care of one another, like cooking dinner or picking their partner up from work. But foreigners believe that people are independent, and should take care of their own things. So for them, romance is about enjoying more "useless" things, like watching the sun rise or counting the stars. Based on how I define romance, I agree more with the Western point of view. Romance is like a luxury; it doesn't have to be useful.
Su Juan: For Chinese men, romance is more about commitment. When Chinese men want to express their love, they buy expensive bags for their girlfriends, and when they're really serious, they buy an apartment and put a ring on their girlfriends' fingers. If you asked the same things of a foreign guy, I am afraid he would leave you immediately. Westerners are more about stuff like wine, roses and sweet talk. If Chinese men could learn those ways of being romantic, while still being willing to take care of and commit to women as well, they would be the most romantic men in the world.
Xing Yashu: I dated a Western man before, and he would take me to explore nature or go car racing, things we were both interested in. But the Chinese guys I've dated go in for romance that's more sensitive. Like during the World Cup two years ago, my boyfriend knew that I love the football star Messi, so he bought all the Coca Cola in the supermarket with Messi's headshot on it, and put them in the fridge. When I saw them, my heart nearly melted.
Victoria Kurzova : I had a few Chinese boyfriends, and I think Chinese men are much more romantic than Western men. I've heard that the way Western men express romance is taking their girlfriends to someplace they've never been before and creating memorable experiences, but that isn't something you can do a lot.
But my Chinese boyfriends would always do little things for me every day to take care of me, like cooking me breakfast, or asking if I've eaten. I've had boyfriends who would always make sure I was wearing enough clothes and that I was drinking enough hot water, or who would put books in my bag on windy days to keep it from blowing away. I think Chinese men always try to make sure you're comfortable, and make you feel needed all the time. That's romantic.
Li Ying contributed to this story