Having a side fling is more common than we think, not just among men. Photo: VCG

 

The popularity of dating apps has made it easier than ever to meet someone new, even if you are already in a relationship. Photo: VCG

Dai Yan is 16 years old and said she has never been with a man. But society has taught her what to expect from a relationship once she comes of age. The prospects aren't all that rosy.

"Girls are more likely to marry and raise children, and boys are more likely to hang around outside," she told Metropolitan. "So I think it's natural that men have a higher rate of extramarital affairs."

Dai explained that the boys her age were "very unstable," changing their girlfriends as they please.

"Yesterday they liked short-haired girls; tsioday, they date a girl with long hair. Perhaps tomorrow, they are into blonde girls," she said.

Dai might have to revise her assumptions. According to research, Chinese women are catching up fast in the cheater department.

Surveys led by Pan Suiming, professor emeritus and the honorary director of the Institute for Research on Sexuality and Gender at Renmin University of China in Beijing, claim that one in every 7.5 women has cheated on their husbands in 2015. Pan conducted four China-wide surveys on sexual behavior from 2000 to 2015. His sample consisted of 23,147 people from 25 provinces and municipalities, aged between 18 to 61.

"13.3 percent of wives are having one or more extramarital affairs - the highest on the planet," Pan told Nextshark.com.

But men are still topping China's adultery list. One in every three husbands has cheated on their wives, Pan's survey also showed.

The motivations to stray in a marriage differ between men and women. According to Pan, men seek pleasure in "conquering" more women while women look for the sexual satisfaction they are unable to get at home.

Even though rising adultery might cause tears at home, it seems to have created a new market of opportunities, especially in the private detective industry. A documentary by the German international broadcaster, Deutsche Welle, portrays the life of private detective, Zhang Yufen, who is known as the "concubine killer" for successfully unmasking the double life of cheating husbands.

Does China have an infidelity problem? To find out, Metropolitan has spoken to Beijing's urban millennials and internationals to see how they view monogamy in their relationships.

Fabio Ababio, a 41-year-old sports manager from Ghana who has lived in Beijing for 13 years, has dated Chinese women before.

"Chinese women are faithful," he claimed. "But you have to show that you understand her wants and needs by proving it."

Another way to make a Chinese woman satisfied in a relationship is to always act in the interest of the couple - don't go on ego trips. It's normal to have independent interests, but make sure you also grant her the liberty to pursue hers.

But Ababio's recipe for a trusting relationship with a Chinese woman might not be bulletproof. Even though Ababio never caught one of his ex-girlfriends cheating, he's not 100 percent sure that they never strayed.

"Some think that sex is just for fun," he said.

He explains the rising rates in extramarital affairs are related to the current era.

"The world is changing and developing fast. Couples don't get to spend much time together because of the pressures at work. Sometimes they need to release stress, and when the partner is not there, they feel like they need 'it' and they will find a way to do that."

The pleasure seekers

Meanwhile, China's young and unmarried might prioritize experience over long-term relationships.

Xu Hanyi looks like he just jumped out of a Chinese sitcom. Chinese girls would call him "little fresh meat" with his tall and slim figure, wearing a pink sweater, jeans and the newest Nike sneakers. His brown-dyed hair is in a perm and round hipster glasses rest on his nose.

The 18-year-old hangs out with his group of smoker guy friends in Sanlitun, Beijing's young and trendy nightlife area, to find a few girls to "play" with.

He's not been honest about this with his girlfriend. When he goes out with friends to play games and have a few drinks, he'll come up with a few white lies instead of telling the truth.

He doesn't think that cheating is a sad end to a romance.

"An affair might be for the best. It can enable a happy ending and a fresh start for both," Xu said.

After he broke up with his ex, he learned from a friend that she has been cheating on him.

"She's not a bad person. She just thought it was for the better to lie to me," he said. "Anyway, she had her own ideas and our points were divided," he added.

Huang Guangyuan, a cook from South China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region, is the same age as Xu and shares similar liberal ideas.

"We live in 2018. We are open and everyone is waiting for life to happen. If men can be players, why can't women, too? I don't mind my girlfriend going out to have fun," he said.

While flirting might be OK, when his girlfriend is sleeping with someone else, his tolerance comes to an end. The memory of his ex cheating on him - twice - is still too painful.

"I left her and cried for a week," he said.

High expectations, low self-control

29-year-old Kristina Jonas from Slovakia, who prefers not to disclose her real family name, has been on the other side of the story. She has cheated on her boyfriend before. When she came clean to him about it, he still wanted to continue the relationship.

"When you love somebody, you are honest with that person and you definitely feel guilty about cheating on them," she said.

Jonas thinks that increasing infidelity among couples is a phenomenon of our modern society that is present not only in China, but wherever dating apps are widespread.

"Nowadays it's so easy to cheat because of social media where all the options are available to you," she explained. You can make a profile on Tinder even if you are married. You can lead a double life - let's face reality."

Towards her partners, Jonas has a zero-tolerance when it comes to affairs.

"To me, fidelity in a relationship is of utmost importance. I don't forgive and I don't forget when somebody cheats on me," Jonas said.

When she found out that her ex-boyfriend was seeing someone else, she took drastic measures.

"I slapped him in the face three times and told him to never text me again."

Mao Zixuan, a carefully made-up accountant, aged 25, shows some degree of understanding towards cheating men.

"In China, men are under a lot of stress. While they might not be able to meet the right girlfriend during their daily life, they find emotional support elsewhere," she explained.

In the past, she's both been the cheater and the cheated - but she found out about it before she got hurt too deeply. In her eyes, betraying your partner and hurting each other's feeling is a waste of time.

"In the adult world, feelings should be carried out by marriage or family," she said.

While moral expectations on a trusting and exclusive relationship haven't changed, they seem to diverge more and more from a reality shaped by seduction, desires, and a lack of self-control.

For Dai Yan, who hasn't had a boyfriend yet, her expectations are crystal clear. She wants a faithful man. The teenager is convinced that when a man cheats once, he'll cheat again and again.

"Once I find out, I would call it quits immediately. I would not give him a chance to justify it and never contact him again," she said.

Zhang Xuan contributed to this story.